new xanga:  /smiile_for_me

[EDIT:  orginally posted @ 2:41 pm]

its finally over between ken n me.  whatever it was that we had?  i mean weren't exactly "together", but we weren't exactly not?  i finally took a look at everything that was happening between us and realized, that's we're better off separated.  and i'm not gonna pretend like it means nothing to me.  i can't simply type here "it's over", because it's so much more than that to me.  cayleen was saying a couple weeks back that it would be cool if were were still together by the end of senior yr, cuz then it's be like a happy ending   and i tried for that happy ending.  i really, truly did.  but change is inevitable.  and that's what we did, we changed.  everything changes.  and it hurts so much to let it go.  i know i probably seem like one of those dumb girls that just can't move on, that's holding on to something that isn't even there.  but this was more than something to me, it was actually almost everything... this guy was my first date, the first guy who ever kissed me, my first real boyfriend, the first guy who ever told me he loved me.  but i'm losing more than a guy who was all my firsts, i'm losing my best friend.  yet.. this is how it ends, with a simple telephone call.  and there's no turning back anymore, no more saying it, and not being strong enough to stick by it... nothing can change my mind about this.  it's more than something i need, even though it hurts like hell, i've actually brought myself to want it to be over.  i can honestly say that this time i really meant when i said i wanted it to over..

i really am okay though, i get by- with a little help from my friends   and i get to start the year fresh.  no one feel sorry for me!  i don't deserve the symptahy, because this is what i wanted.  and thanks for being there for me, i have great friends.  but really guys, i've realized that ken is NOT the love of my life, maybe that's why it's so much easier to let go, i mean who meets the love of their life at 15?  haha what's the fun in that?  i'm not heart broken, or sad, or anything like that.  just a little disappointed, i was so convinced that we could make it through anything.  lol, and all that venting helps me a lot. i'm not ruling out possiblities of a future realtionship with him.  but for now i'm so much better off ken-free  i do thank him for everything and anything he's ever done for me.  i mean, aside from my parents, no one person has ever done so much for me.  no one person has ever cared so much for me, unconditionally, no matter how many stupid things i could have possibly done thorughout our two years.  i don't regret anything i've done to this point.  we had our ups, n downs, n sideways?  but that never changed how much of a blessing you were for my life.  no one can replace what you were to me ken.  and i know that no one can replace what i was to you.. even if you do spend the dollar on soda.  but if that's your closure...

anyway, yesterday i brought my mom to this birthday thing her co-workers were throwing her and this other girl who also has a birthday.  then, i brought my mom to kohl's for the first time.  hahah before i went there i used to think that that store was so cool, so many people made a big deal out of it!  i always get it confused with lowes!  yea and today i picked up the summer work for psych at nicole's house.  man it took me forever to find someone who had the questions!  nicole's a freakin life saver, i lub her.  then i bought books for the composition work.  yea so here i am, attempting to do my work!  yep i guess is hould stop procrastinatiing? happy new school year guys k u bye

song change- ginuwine~ differences.. oo the memories..

geez, i swear frances always has the best poem/quote stuff

Don't undermine your worth
by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals by what
other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future.
Just live your life one day at a time.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast
that you forget not only where you have been
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

welp, the past few days have been okay? i didn't really do much. i swear i've went to go fix my car like 3 times this week! it's not broken or anything, but it's that time to start changing everything before it get's broken! i had to change my brake pads, n awhile ago i did my timing belt, n i had to get a smog check and an oil change and my tires rotated! oman i'm so grown up! lol, doing the car stuff all by myself!

friday i did volunteer, n did most of my ap psychology work. and i saw pink (lol, not PINK, but this guy on my swim team we call pink) at target! i hung out with theresa yesterday we haven't chilled in awhile, so it was cool. haha we went to the mills, i haven't been there in forever. that mall is REALLY full on saturdays! it was weird they had some sort of ghetto back to school fashion show, n there were no seats in the food court! you know where that off rodeo thing used to be? with all the expensive clothes? they're turning that thing into forever 21!!

i also got a new cell phone! man i was SUPPOSED to get sprint, but my mom made me get at&t! so yah! i have a new cell number guys!

blah, school is coming back, so much ap work to do..? did anyone form nd get their senior pictures yet? lol, i swear i check the mail like everyday for them!

random picture
haha this was from krista's film, it's from like a couple years ago?  lol, and she barely got it developed a few months ago..

went to the BOOK SALE, omg, i HATE HATE HATE the book sale, standing outside trying to sell your damn books and that long ass line to the gym!  lol, and it's the time where it hits you: school's back..

yesterday spent some quality time volunteering, lol, i swear i'm gonna get my 100 hours!  i only have like 40 hours from this month?  haha and i think i only have like 8 from last month, ALMOST half way mark!  afterwards i TRIED to do ap work @ barnes n noble, ken's not a good person to do homework with!  OMG, so i was laying on those chairs there, and have you guys seen friends, where pheobe's boyfriend's hanging out? PEOPLE DO THAT CRAP IN REAL LIFE!  i'm seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY scarred for life.  afterwards i went to tyler, again!  geez, i go there everytime after volunteer!

did i mention i really like this song on my xanga?
And even though love has been kind to me
Never did I dream
I would find me a girl like you
geez, can you guys imagine if someone said that to you!?

picture change- "wow" melissa n krista haha

haha weirdo?--
mUhLiSsUhHh (6:36:37 PM): whatever you kissed EJAY
T r i b a l n X (6:36:47 PM): well he has big lips

haha OMAN i found it lol, i've been lookin for this song so i could put it in ma xanga!  oki yea feel free to sing along

VERSE
i'm always thinking about you
i wonder if you can tell
these things i'm feeling inside me
i keep them all to myself
REFRAIN
scared to show my true emotions
don't wanna live alone
CHORUS
cause i fall so deep 
you'll never know, how far i'll go
and i know why hearts fall desperately
i fall so deep
VERSE
some people think love is foolish
while others think it's a game
but i think that love is a fire
and i'm burnin up in flames
REFRAIN2
i'm so lost in my emotions
wanting you ever more...yes
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
and i come so close to the part
where i feel my heart give in
but i lose my nerve
can't find the words
to tell you that it's true
i fall so deep...

random picture...
let's go BACK..way BACK... haha me n krista @ midwinter freshman yr!  haha before we discovered updos n makeup

contemplation...
T r i b a l n X (7:40:46 PM): as long as we arent over
T r i b a l n X (7:40:48 PM): im happy